Character Survey

[le_neuvieme]

Q: What did you eat for breakfast? Did you make it yourself? What time do you eat breakfast? Do you wash the pan after you cook the eggs or do you leave it for the maid to clean? Do you have a maid?
A: A maid? That's funny. That's really funny. Did Harrow put you up to this? Anyway. Porridge. I had porridge for breakfast. Same slop I eat every morning. Same thing everyone in the Ninth eats as far as I know. If they still eat. If they're not practically dessicated.

Q: Do you have a cat? How many cats do you have? Do you wish you were a cat? How many litter boxes do you have? Do you clean the litter boxes every day? Or does your maid clean the litter boxes?
A: You're pretty interested in my opinions on pussies. What's your audience rating for this thing?

Q: Do you go out for lunch or bring a sack lunch? Do you take an extra long lunch break and charge the company?
A: What company? There isn't any Cohort on the Ninth. And lunch is usually, I dunno, some kind of protein paste.

Q: Are you an only child? How many siblings do you have? Are you close or are you estranged?
A: Pretty sure it's just me.

Q: If you are adopted, do you know your birth parents? Do you want to find them?
A: "Adopted" isn't exactly the way I'd put it. I didn't know my mom. My dad is [redacted], which of course means he's the biggest tool ever.

Q: Do you call your mother every day, or only on her birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas? Are your parents alive?
A: I used to sit by her tomb every day when I was a kid and tell her about my day. Then Harrow moved her fucking bones because she's a stone cold bitch.

Q: Do you like to cook? Do you use recipes or make up your own recipes? Do you eat out every night?
A: Heh, I WISH.

Q: Do you put both socks on first, or one sock, one shoe?
A: The hell is a sock?

Q: Do you have a dog? Is the dog a rescue dog or bought from a breeder?
A: I mean, I know a massive bitch but I wouldn't say I "have" Harrow. Unless you mean it in the way people "have" a disease.

Q: Or perhaps a hamster? Or do you have any pets?
A: I'm sorry, I don't speak weird-ese.

Q: Do you iron your clothes? Who does your laundry? Do you do it yourself or do you send it out?
A: Laundry? The hell does that mean? You just walk into the sonic with your clothes on and everything gets clean.

Q: Are you married? Are you divorced? How many times have you been married?
A: You interested?

Q: Do you brush and floss your teeth before you go to bed? Do you use an electric toothbrush and a water pick?
A: What the hell is a water pick? I brush my teeth, but it's usually in the morning, not at night.

Q: Do you have any cavities?
A: No way, that's disgusting. Nobody on the Ninth would dare let teeth get that bad. We do bones, motherfuckers.

Q: Are those your real teeth, or are they dentures, or are they all capped?
A: Why? Do you want my teeth for something? You're kinda sick.

Q: What do you throw into the garbage? Do you recycle?
A: Empty paste wrappers? I guess? Not much gets wasted on the Ninth.

Q: Do you live in an apartment or a house?
A: I have a cell. It's posh as fuck. No windows, shitty lighting, little cot, big thick door. Extensive dirty comic collection. Giant sword.

Q: Do you own your own home or rent?
A: Technically I guess you could say I'm renting. In the shittiest sense of the word.

Q: Do you mow your own lawn or use a landscape service?
A: Why, you wanna look at my lawn? ;B)

Q: Have you ever had a garden?
A: I don't think underground communal fields count.

Q: Have you ever eaten a carrot right out of the ground?
A: Nah, but we have snow leeks, so... maybe that's the same? I guess?

Q: Do you pick your nose?
A: Yup. Especially if I can wipe it on Crux's armor when he's not looking, that's the best.

Q: Do you bite your fingernails? Do you have any bad habits?
A: Only when they break, so I don't catch the edge and rip it all the way down to the quick, because that fucking hurts. As for bad habits ... I'm pretty sure trying to break out counts as one by now.

Q: What is your earliest memory?
A: One of the ancient nuns pressing a string of knuckle bones into my hands. She was trying to teach me how to pray the orison. I just looped them around into a bracelet and put them on. She smacked me for insolence. Pretty sure that set the precedent for the next fifteen years or so.

Q: Do you hold the door open for the person behind you or do you let it go and slam in their face?
A: Oh, you just know I'm letting that sucker go! Unless there's someone hot or nice behind me. Then they get a pass. But ... that's only ever a hypothetical, yeah?

Q: Do you take chicken soup to your elderly neighbor when they are sick?
A: No way. If one of the ancient bone sisters is about to bite it, they don't want to get better. There's nothing like dying to a Ninth penitent, it's like "whoopee, now I get to be a puppet for the rest of my decrepit pals, for eternity!" I'd probably just send them a "congrats on hopefully being about to bite it, better you than me" card.

Q: If you had a dog, would you pick up your dog's poop when you go for a walk or sneak off and hope no one saw your dog poop on their lawn?
A: I wouldn't pick up anything's poop, that's disgusting.

Q: If your boss asked you to cheat on your invoice and bill your client for extra hours, would you do it?
A: ... What language is that you're speaking?

Q: On Monday morning, are you excited to go to work, or are you sad?
A: Is Monday a holiday? Why would I be sad? Or excited, even?

Q: If you could go back in time for one day, where would you go?
A: Escape attempt #1. I'd get it right, and then I'd be in the Cohort covered in glory and hot babes and not answering these stupid questions.

Q: You can cure one disease. Which one would you cure?
A: Beats the shit out of me? I don't really know diseases.

Q: Do you honk at the car in front of you if they didn’t see the light turn green?
A: Sorry, you're using that other language again, aren't you?

Q: Do you exercise or are you a couch potato?
A: I don't know what a couch potato is, but I exercise. Every day. Comes with the giant gorgeous sword.

Q: If a Boy Scout comes to your door selling popcorn, do you hide in the kitchen or buy popcorn?
A: What is he scouting? What the hell is popcorn? I don't understand half of what you say, you're getting that, yeah?

Q: Have you ever served in the military?
A: ........... Harrow totally sent you to take the piss out of me. I knew it.

Q: What is your greatest fear?
A: HARROWHARK NONAGESIMUS, FIRST FLOWER OF OUR HOUSE, REVEREND DAUGHTER: KINDLY TAKE YOUR DUMB QUESTION PERSON AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS.

Q: Would you like me to get you a glass of water? Or would you rather have soda? Wine? Whiskey?
A: Whatever is, I'm gonna throw it in your face. Get out.